Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
