I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
