More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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