I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
