this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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