if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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