Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I enjoy the company of your penis
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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