DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
