so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
