I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
