Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
