I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
