"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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