he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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