there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
