Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
