I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
