I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
