I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
