what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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