Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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