dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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