I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
