You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize