My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish my penis had a tongue
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
