My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
