On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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