The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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