omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
