Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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