I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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