My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
