how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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