I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's blow job season.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
