Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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