if you like me you must not know who I am
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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