I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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