She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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