I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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