just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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