Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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