I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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