I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
