If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
FUCK WHALES
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize