Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Found your dick twin last night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
