I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
