just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
