Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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