I just threw up on my dentist
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize