Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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