Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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