I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
