we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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