Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
