It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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