If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
