I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
