Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize