She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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