Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
did i just pee glitter
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
