Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
