I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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