Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
