I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
